How to Make Small Talk: Openers, Questions, and Exits

What small talk is for

Small talk is the low-stakes exchange people use to signal friendliness before they know each other: the venue, the commute, the week. The anthropologist Bronisław Malinowski called it “phatic communion” in 1923, talk whose job is to build a bond rather than carry information.

That definition explains why it feels pointless and why it isn’t. Nobody needs your view on the rain. They need a sign that you are friendly and interested, and a few minutes to find a topic worth talking about. Think of small talk as a search. Each question is a probe, most come back with nothing much, and one eventually hits something the other person cares about. That is the thread, and finding it is the whole game.

It also helps to know you are probably doing better than you think. In a 2018 paper in Psychological Science, Erica Boothby and colleagues found that after conversations with strangers, people consistently underestimated how much their partner liked them. They called it the liking gap. The awkwardness you replay on the drive home is mostly yours.

How to start: move from the setting inward

The safest opener is about something you share right now. The best next question is about why you are both there. Only then ask about them. Each step is a little more personal, and each answer tells you whether the next one is welcome.

• The setting. Comment on something you can both see, then turn it into a question. “Packed in here for a Tuesday. Do you come often?” It costs nothing to answer.
• The situation. Why are you both here? “How do you know Sam?” works at any party because everyone has an answer, and the answer is usually a story.
• The person. “What’s keeping you busy lately?” beats “What do you do?” because it lets them choose: work, a kid, a renovation, a race. Whatever they choose is a clue.

Small talk questions by situation

The opener that works depends on where you are. These are open-ended on purpose, and each tends to produce an answer with something in it to follow.

Situation	Opening question	Follow-up that usually works
A friend’s party	”How do you know Sam?"	"What’s kept you in touch since then?”
Work event or conference	”What brought you to this one?"	"What would make today worth it for you?”
New coworker	”What were you doing before this?"	"What’s surprised you so far?”
School gate or kids’ sports	”Which one is yours?"	"How’s the season going for them?”
Neighbor	”How long have you been on this street?"	"What do you wish you’d known when you moved in?”
Wedding	”How do you know the couple?"	"What’s your best story about them?”
In line or on a flight	”Is this your first time doing this?"	"What’s the trip for?”

Hold off on money, health, politics, religion, and comments on someone’s body as openers. They are not forbidden. They just ask for more trust than a first conversation has built. A sincere compliment on something a person chose, like a jacket or a book, is fine.

How to keep it going: follow the free information

Most answers carry more than the question asked for. Ask “How do you know Sam?” and you might hear: “We were in a running club together, back when I lived in Denver. I moved here in March to go freelance.” You asked one question and got four threads. Conversation coaches call this free information, and the fastest way to keep small talk alive is to pick one up rather than ask a new, unrelated question.

This is also the part research backs most directly. In a 2017 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Karen Huang and colleagues at Harvard found that people who asked more questions in conversation were better liked, and that follow-up questions, the kind that show you heard the last answer, carried the effect. In their speed-dating data, people who asked more questions got more agreements to a second date. A follow-up is the cheapest proof of listening there is. For what to do while the other person is still talking, see how to be a better listener.

Two more moves keep a conversation from running dry:

• Give a little back. Pure questioning starts to feel like an interview. After two or three questions, offer something of yours that matches theirs: “I joined a running club once. I lasted three weeks.” It gives them something to ask you.
• Go one step deeper than feels safe. Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley ran twelve experiments on this and found that people expect deeper conversations with strangers to be more awkward than they turn out to be, mostly because they underestimate how interested the other person is. “What made you take the leap?” is a better question than “How’s freelancing?”, and almost nobody minds it.

When it stalls, go back instead of sideways

Every conversation hits a lull. The instinct is to reach for a new topic, which is how you end up on the weather twice. Go back instead: “You mentioned Denver earlier. What do you miss about it?” Returning to something they already said is the easiest restart there is, because it is about them and it proves you were listening.

If there is no thread to go back to, the conversation may simply be done. That is fine. Small talk is allowed to end.

How to end small talk gracefully

Leaving well is part of the skill. End on an up note rather than waiting for the silence, and give a real reason that is not about them.

• “I’m going to grab a drink before the speeches start. Really good to meet you, Devon.”
• “I promised I’d find Sam’s sister. Good luck with the first clients.”
• “I should say hi to a couple of people. Let’s pick this up later.”

Use their name and one thing they told you. It signals the conversation registered, and saying it out loud does half the work of remembering it.

Why the second conversation is harder than the first

Here is what most guides to small talk miss. The first time you meet someone, the conversation comes with a free script. “What do you do?”, “Where’s home?”, “Have you been here before?” Anyone is allowed to ask these, and they reliably produce something to follow.

The second time, the script is spent. Asking “So what do you do?” again tells them you forgot. What is left from memory is “How have you been?”, which gets “Good, busy, you?” and a polite stall. This is why running into a half-known acquaintance often feels more awkward than meeting a stranger: you are expected to know things, and you don’t.

The fix is to bring a thread from last time. “How was the race?” or “Did the first clients come through?” does what no opener can: it skips the search entirely and starts where you left off. People rarely forget being remembered. The same move is what makes following up after networking events land, and it is most of what building rapport quickly comes down to.

The thirty-second note that makes the next chat easy

You don’t need to remember the conversation. You need to remember one thread, and the reliable way to keep a thread for months is to write it down while you still have it.

Three things are worth saving:

1. The thread. What they lit up about.
2. An open loop. Anything with a date or an outcome: a race, a move, an interview, a decision they were weighing.
3. One name. Their partner’s, their kid’s, their dog’s. Names are the first thing to go.

Devon, Sam’s barbecue. Ran with Sam in Denver. Moved here in March to go freelance, nervous about landing the first three clients. Half-marathon next month. Dog called Juniper.

That note is the whole second conversation, written in advance. For what makes a note like this useful months later, see what to write in contact notes, and for names in particular, how to remember people’s names.

Intriq is built for exactly this habit. Type or speak the note on your iPhone in the time it takes to find your keys, and it files the details under Devon rather than under a date. Before the next barbecue, ask what you and Devon talked about and you get back the race, the clients and Juniper, drawn only from what you saved. Small talk gets easier when the second conversation starts where the first one ended.

Key takeaway: Make small talk by moving from the setting to the situation to the person, following the free information in each answer, and leaving on an up note. Then save one thread, one open loop and one name, so the second conversation starts where the first one stopped instead of at zero.

FAQ

What is small talk?

Small talk is light, low-stakes conversation about the setting, the occasion or someone’s week that people use to show friendliness before they know each other well. Its real job is to find a topic both people care about, which is why a good small talk question invites a story rather than a one-word answer.

How do I start small talk with a stranger?

Comment on something you can both see and turn it into a question, then ask why they are there. “How do you know the host?” or “What brought you to this one?” works almost anywhere, because everyone has an answer and the answer usually contains something to follow.

What are good small talk questions?

Open-ended ones: “What’s keeping you busy lately?”, “What brought you here?”, “What were you doing before this?” The best question in any conversation, though, is a follow-up to something the other person just said. Research on question-asking finds follow-ups are what make people like the asker.

How do I make small talk if I’m shy or introverted?

Lean on questions and follow-ups rather than stories, which plays to a quiet person’s strengths. The liking gap research also suggests the other person enjoyed the conversation more than you think. For the wider version of this, see how to network as an introvert.

What topics should I avoid in small talk?

Money, health, politics, religion and comments on someone’s body, at least until they bring them up. These are not off limits forever. They just ask for more trust than a first conversation has built.

How do I make small talk with someone I’ve met before?

Bring back a thread from last time: an event they mentioned, a decision they were weighing, a name. “How did the move go?” beats “How have you been?” because it starts where you left off. A short note right after the first conversation is what makes that possible.

If small talk is the start of something you want to keep, how to make friends as an adult covers what comes after the second conversation.